As we all know, teenage friendships can be an eventful mix of fun and drama. While they provide a strong sense of belonging and support, the bouts of jealousy, peer pressure and fear of being left out are challenging, to say the least. They pose rather tricky situations for young adults, but as it turns out, these experiences play a pivotal role in preparing teens for parenthood, a recent study published in the journal Child Development has revealed. It shows how the friendships we had when we were younger could actually have more of a lasting impact on our future parenting skills.
Researchers at the University of Virginia followed 184 teenagers for over 20 years. They started when the teens were 13 and observed them all the way into their mid-30s. Every year, the teens were allowed to pick their closest friend to join them in the study, and in a controlled lab environment, the researchers noted how they reacted when their friend asked for advice on a problem.
The researchers then scored each teen’s behavior based on four different dimensions of empathy:
- emotional support (how much they understood and validated the feelings expressed by their friend)
- instrumental support (how much help they offered to solve their friend’s problem)
- emotional engagement (how much attention they showed their friend through active listening)
- interpretation of the peer’s problem (how accurately they identified their friend’s primary concerns)
When 74 participants in the study became parents, they were asked to complete a questionnaire about their parenting approach. They were presented with twelve hypothetical situations where their child was feeling negative emotions, and they had to choose how to respond. The researchers categorized the responses as either supportive or unsupportive. Supportive responses were ones that made the child feel better or offered potential solutions, while unsupportive reactions included punishing the child, minimizing their problem, or getting upset over their distress. The researchers discovered that the participants who displayed more empathy towards their close friends as teenagers became more supportive parents as adults.
“We often think that our parents shape the way we parent, but it turns out that our teenage friendships do, too,” says lead study author Dr. Jessica A. Stern, a postdoctoral fellow in psychology at the University of Virginia, in a recent interview with Psychology Today. “What we think is happening is that when you’re a teenager, close friendships are an important ‘training ground’ for developing social skills and learning how to care for others in more mature ways.”
By caring for their friends, teens can build lasting social support networks that continue into adulthood, helping them become more nurturing parents. “So, when your friend is struggling, you can practice showing up, trying to understand their perspective, empathizing with their plight, and offering help. By strengthening the ‘muscle’ of empathy with their best friends, teens are building essential skills that seem to translate to effective caregiving when they become parents.”
The researchers also looked at how much empathy the teens received from their own mothers. Teens whose mothers were emotionally supportive at age 13 tended to show empathy towards their friends and later became compassionate parents.
However, the study also found that unsupportive parenting doesn’t necessarily mean kids will become callous. Even if parents aren’t caring, their children can still develop compassion and togetherness. In fact, experts say supportive and caring friends during adolescence are powerful dynamics that can help teens learn the social and emotional skills that they may not have learned at home. However, for kids raised by harsh or unsympathetic parents, these friendships among peers can break the cycle of the lack of awareness and sensibility that runs in their families.
The research shows that these friendships help teens develop essential social skills and the ability to navigate difficult emotions. Interestingly, these skills can even have long-term benefits for teens when they transition into parenthood, so it is crucial not to minimize their significance.
“Adults often underestimate the importance of teens being able to spend time with their friends,” says Stern, “but experiences in close, supportive friendships as a teenager are actually really important for healthy development.”
