As they reach the stage where romantic feelings start to develop, it can be challenging to have an important conversation with our kids about safety and sexual assault. We understand that abuse can take various forms, including rape, attempted rape and sexual coercion involving someone who might be unable to give consent or respond. The way we discuss these serious and often life-threatening situations is crucial, especially as this language begins to shape their young hearts and minds.
The trial involving Sean “Diddy” Combs for racketeering and sex trafficking is drawing attention to how specific word choices can either reveal or hide the impact of harm. And just like many adults who are following this case, our teenagers are paying attention as well.
Last week, our young people witnessed Cassie Ventura, the former girlfriend of music mogul Combs, deliver a deeply emotional and at times shockingly graphic testimony about her long-term relationship with him. She shared harrowing details about the threats, drug use and violence, including an alleged rape, that she faced during their time together. While her account was clear, mental health experts pointed out that even some news outlets struggled to find the appropriate language to discuss the feelings of helplessness, betrayal, stigmatization, and traumatic sexualization that she described. If seasoned adult journalists are having trouble finding the right words for these life-altering experiences, it raises concerns about how teens are watching and processing this information.
However, experts believe that the conversations that we as parents and guardians have about this case and about sexual violence in general don’t have to be daunting.
Discussions surrounding the complexities of sexual violence can naturally fit into the safety dialogues we already have with our kids, such as knowing when to speak up, how to support friends and trusting their instincts. They say that the key is to initiate these conversations now and to keep them ongoing.
Dr. Lisa Aronson Fontes, a Senior Lecturer at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and author of several books, including Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, has dedicated over two decades to improving responses within mental health, criminal justice and social service systems for culturally diverse populations. With more than 30 years of research on sexual violence and as a survivor, she provides guidance on how to effectively discuss the Combs trial and recognize cautionary signs.
Below, we outline some of the terms used in the case, explain why Fontes finds them problematic, and share her recommendations for using this language in a way that shows respect for victims and survivors. Given the troubling reports of sexual violence dominating the news and likely taking over social media, it’s essential for us to assist our youth in recognizing and understanding the red flags that can keep them informed and safe.
Bad temper. In her opening statement, defense attorney Teny Geragos characterized Combs as having a “bad temper.” Fontes points out that this implies that Combs lost control, echoing the late sociologist Evan Stark’s view that angry outbursts from domestic abusers are a tactic of “losing control to gain control.”
A domestic abuser seeks to control his partner by pretending to have a bad temper, which isolates her from others. He displays anger when it serves his interests, but can behave calmly and rationally when in the presence of authorities. In contrast, the victim’s fear may cause her to seem “crazy,” “dysregulated,” or “hysterical” due to her anxiety.
Satisfy. When certain news anchors and podcasters discussed male sex worker Daniel Phillip, who gave his testimony on the first day of the trial, they stated that he was unable to satisfy Ventura at one point because he was distressed by how she was being treated.
Fontes explains that the word “satisfy” is intentionally used here in a way that isn’t very clear, so we can avoid more direct language. It serves as a metaphor to bypass more explicit language like “penetrate,” as in “Male escort Daniel Philip mentioned that he was unable to satisfy Cassie at one point because he was deeply troubled by how she was being treated.”
In this context, the term “satisfy” shouldn’t be included in any conversation about what alleged victims have endured.
Escort. Fontes expressed confusion about why Phillip is referred to as an escort when he openly admitted in court that he was paid for sex.
Nowadays, the term “sex worker” is more commonly used. It is preferred because it accurately describes the exchange of money for sexual services without the negative connotations of the word “prostitute,” which often implies criminal behavior or a moral failing. Fontes also clarifies that people rightly object to using the term “sex worker” for minors or trafficking victims.
And while she says that although we don’t know what led Mr. Phillip to selling sex, calling him an “escort” feels like a way to sanitize the seriousness of his situation, especially considering that he admitted to engaging in acts that degraded and humiliated Ventura.
Argument or Fight. On the second day of the trial, Ventura shared her experiences of “violent arguments” with Combs. In her work as a domestic violence expert witness, Fontes explains that victims often refer to their experiences as an “argument” or “fight.”
However, when they talk about the details, they describe their abuser as coming at them in a threatening way, sometimes using fists and other times using frightening words. They recount moments when their abuser traps them, holds them down or pushes them onto a bed. Many victims mention crying and begging their abuser to stop, and these situations can go on for hours. Sometimes, they also talk about yelling or cursing back. Fontes gently reminds them that what they are describing is not an “argument” or a “fight,” but rather an “assault.”
Using the terms “argument” or “fight” is misleading and problematic in cases of domestic violence because they suggest that both people are equally involved, which is usually not the case. Typically, one person is the aggressor while the other is trying to escape. One person is in control, even if the victim occasionally responds or fights back.
Freak-offs. The Combs case centers around “freak-offs,” a term Combs seems to have created that sounds trendy and edgy.
Fontes points out an article in the Guardian that described these occurrences as involving “group sex, kink, BDSM, public masturbation, and a lot of baby oil.” The article also referred to these gatherings as “parties.”
Fontes strongly advises against using the term “party” when addressing incidents of rape.
She also notes that media outlets have been inconsistent in how they label these occurrences as well. Some have called them “orgies.” The New York Times used the term “freak-offs,” describing them as “drug-fueled sex bacchanals,” “coerced, highly orchestrated sexual encounters that could last for days,” and “drug-dazed marathon sex sessions.”
Fontes explains that while “freak-off” is easier to say than these longer descriptions, if the allegations are proven true, it would show that Combs viewed Ventura and other vulnerable young women (as well as some men) as less than human.
The Final Takeaway
It’s crucial to be careful with our words when discussing sexual and domestic violence with our teens. By using clear and accurate terms like “sexual assault,” “rape” and “consent,” instead of slang or vague language, not only are we calling attention to the humanity of all victims, but we help our kids grasp the seriousness of these issues while understanding their rights.
Additional Resources
INCITE! – Women of Color Against Violence
No More – dedicated to ending domestic violence and sexual assault against all genders by increasing awareness, inspiring action, and fueling cultural change.
The National Organization of Sisters of Color Ending Sexual Assault (SCESA): non-profit committed to ensuring that systems-wide policies and social change initiatives related to sexual assault are informed by critical input and direction of Women of Color.
The Bradley Angle Healing Roots Program: Resources that offer healing and connection for Black survivors of domestic abuse.
INCITE!: A network of feminists of color organizing to end state violence and violence in our homes and communities.
The National Organization of Sisters of Color Ending Sexual Assault (SCESA): Women of Color-led non-profit committed to ensuring systems-wide policies and social change initiatives related to sexual assault.
The Network/LA Red: A social justice organization that works to end partner abuse in lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, SM, polyamorous, and queer communities through anti-oppression principles, organizing, education, and the provision of support services.
No More: Dedicated to ending domestic violence and sexual assault against all genders by increasing awareness, inspiring action and fueling cultural change.
Women of Color Network Inc.: Addresses a broad range of violence affecting communities of color such as human trafficking, police brutality and over-incarceration.
