Many of us would agree that vibrators are heaven-sent. They’re like these serendipitous little gifts that get us to where we want to go quickly and efficiently.
Although we know that the sexual wellness space is chocked full of amazing sex toys, sometimes it’s great to go back to the basics and rekindle our erogenous zones with some good old-fashioned TLC.
According to sexual health therapists, self-pleasure is an important part of maintaining overall wellness. They say that taking time to masturbate without a vibrator can help you become more in tune with the delightful sensations that can bring you joy and more satisfying orgasms, whether solo or with a partner. Plus, it offers a host of physical and psychological health benefits such as stress reduction, mood enhancement, improved sleep and even relief from menstrual cramps.
Whether you’re a newbie or a seasoned pro, we’ve got you covered. This therapist-approved self-pleasure guide is all about helping you cultivate a deeper sense of personal intimacy, confidence, and satisfaction; no toys required.
Embrace your vibe.
Intimacy experts at Coral, a sexual wellness app, say it’s much easier to tune in to your body’s cues when you’re in the right mindset. From putting on some seductive tunes and lighting candles to slipping into something that makes you feel irresistible – even if it’s just your comfy bed sheets – you should feel good and that includes feeling good mentally and emotionally.
Explore and discover your body.
When it comes to self-pleasure, it’s important to think beyond the usual spots. Instead of rushing straight to the genitals, take the time to explore your entire body. According to Tyomi Morgan-Najieb, a certified sexologist, pleasure coach and founder of The Cowgirl Workout, we have erogenous zones all over, so try starting with a soothing scalp massage then move on to your ears, neck, mouth, nipples, hips and so on.
As you venture below the belt, remember to continue teasing yourself. Instead of immediately focusing on your most sensitive areas or going for penetration, take the time to discover what’s pleasing by paying attention to the subtle differences in sensitivity between the different parts of your nether regions.
Even after spending some time on the genitals, don’t forget to keep moving. Morgan-Najieb recommends exploring your legs and even your feet, as some people find them highly pleasurable. Start from the top and let your exploration take you to wherever feels delightful.
Take it nice and slow.
When it comes to using a sex toy, many people jump right into action, seeking that explosive moment of pleasure. But according to sex experts, if you have a favorite toy, it’s likely because it provides the kind of stimulation you already know you enjoy.
It’s easy to go from feeling a little turned on to reaching orgasm with a personal device, but when it comes to manual stimulation, the journey is a bit different. You’ll want to take your time and build up the excitement before reaching climax, so this is definitely not the time for a quick self-love session. The process of going from the decision to masturbate to achieving orgasm should take longer.
Play with indirect stimulation.
Some people find that starting off with gentle touches around the clitoris or penis head, rather than direct contact, can be a great way to ease into masturbation. You can try using your fingers to press onto the outer lips or rub the lower shaft of the penis. Play around with different pressures and speeds to see what works for you.
Another technique experts say you can try is grinding against a pillow. Straddle it lengthwise and tilt it towards your butt. This way, it’ll rub against the labia and entire vulva, rather than directly on the clitoris. Some folks who are super-sensitive may find that vaginal penetration works best for them, as it indirectly stimulates the clitoris, so don’t be afraid to experiment with inserting your fingers too.
If you’re feeling ready for more direct touch, go for it! Remember, you can always back off if it doesn’t feel right. Try different techniques like pressing down on your groin with the pads of your fingers or palms, rubbing in circles, or stroking up and down. You can even try using your other hand for dual pleasure – one hand on your naughty bits and the other for penetration.
Folks with penises can experience pleasure in a similar way. You can try gently squeezing the glans, using your hand to stroke it like you’re turning a doorknob, or rubbing it in an up-and-down motion. It’s all about discovering what you like!
Don’t forget the lube.
“Many people don’t think to use lube for solo sex, but it can be equally – or differently – sensation-enhancing,” says Dulcinea Pitagora, PhD, an NYC-based psychotherapist and sex therapist, in an interview with Refinery29.
If you think you might prefer an alternative for lube, Pitagora says it’s always a good idea to do a little research. Prioritizing your safety and comfort in these situations is critical, so you want to make sure that whatever oils or lotions you have on hand are safe to use for masturbation. Take a moment to look into it before diving in.
Play with different positions.
For some individuals, the position they’re in while pleasuring themselves is just as important as the actual touch. According to Pitagora, it’s worth trying out different sitting and lying positions to find the one that feels the best. If you’re new to self-pleasure, she suggests laying on your back and taking a moment to really explore your body. There are also other positions you can experiment with, like lying on your side or even your stomach. Some people also find that adding a grinding motion to these positions feels better for them, so experimenting with new ones might be worth a try. In addition, you can play around with the position of your legs. Try opening them wide, holding them closely together, or even elevating them.
And don’t limit yourself to just lying down. You can also try pleasuring yourself while standing, in the bathtub, or even leaning against a wall. You never know, you might be pleasantly surprised by what you find.
Utilize the internet.
Traditional porn is great, but there are now more innovative resources available online to enhance your self-pleasure experience. Take, for example, platforms like blktouch.com. They offer a curated collection of audio and written erotic stories submitted by Black creatives that can truly enhance the fun.
Don’t make the big O your ultimate goal.
Just like partnered sex, masturbation doesn’t always have to end in orgasm. Morgan-Najieb reminds us that it can simply be about pleasure, self-love, and self-exploration. If you’re someone who usually relies on a preferred toy, you might find it a bit more challenging to climax through touch alone at first, but this doesn’t mean your body is any less sensitive or incapable of getting there without it. It’s just that you’ve become accustomed to a specific method.
Experts say that not being able to reach orgasm at first might feel frustrating, but it’s important to remember that it’s about the process, not just the end result. If you’re not quite getting to your happy ending, Morgan-Najieb suggests taking a moment to check in with yourself because stress and pressure can really put a damper on your libido. While a powerful vibrator might be able to get you there even if your mind isn’t fully in the game, it can be more challenging to override your thoughts when you’re relying solely on your hands.
We all have different reasons for wanting to have orgasms, but when we approach it with the sole goal of achieving one, it can become more difficult.
Goal-oriented sex of any kind tends to be less pleasurable, so keep in mind that this is for you.
