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    Negrodamus’ 2024 Predictions

    By 06 Mins Read
    Image credit: ShutterStock

    2023 was a wild year, like most years, and had some ups and downs, as does every year, but there are some things that we just didn’t see coming. 

    Lucky for you I got my degree in predicting the future from WebMD and these are some of the predictions I decided to share, the rest are lottery numbers and I’ll share those for a price. Anywho, these are some of my predictions for 2024—allegedly.

    via GIPHY

    Blueface will start a cult, and he, Chrisean and Jayden Alexis will all be in a threelationship together. He will be a hotep religious leader and change his name to Apollo, not like the Roman God but like theatre, because his life is a show. He will completely miss the opportunity to connect Apollo with the Zeus network for marketing purposes. Chrisean and Jayden will both be pregnant at the same time.

    They will give their kids names that only rhyme in nickname form, like Phil and Lil.

    Sexxy Red will quit rap and become a comedian and JessHilarious will be her mentee and opening act on the last three stops of the tour. 

    Couples will still make content with bad scripts and bad acting for TikTok money. 

    Someone will pull a Walmart prank on the wrong person and get kicked in the high notes. It will go viral. 

    DJ Envy will go to jail. After the breakup of his illegal cigarette cartel, he will attempt to set up a timeshare racket for the TV room, but the only thing he will be able to flip is his mattress. 

    Jonathan Majors and Meagan Good will get married and Meagan will change her name to Meagan Doing Major Good Scott King. Jonathan will spend nine months behind bars and fashion himself a civil rights hero; he will ask to be sent to Montgomery to finish out his sentence. Jonathan will try to wear suspenders over his jumpsuit but the guards will not allow it because it is contraband. When he is released, he will start a shoe and boot line and call it Freedom Fighters. 

    Their slogan will be, “we don’t lick boots, but we do make sure you look clean in them.”

    He will be relegated to Tubi films until his career bounces back in 2029. 

    The Love and Hip Hop Franchise will still not feature any love; they will, however, continue to feature a cast of emotionally irresponsible people who are famous because of someone they fucked ten years ago.

    Saucy Santana will beat up DJ Akademiks, who will finally fall off the planet.

    The Color Purple musical will be nominated for 11 Oscars and win all of them. They will create a new category for best cameo and it will go to Whoopi Goldberg. She will, of course, wear ugly shoes to the ceremony, but her speech will indeed be epic. *Something something something Ted Danson (audience laughs), something something something something climate change (rich audience stops laughing), something, abortion, (rich audience again applause).” 

    Usher will be the first halftime performer to bring out himself as a guest. He will perform dancing with his own hologram, like Tupac but with more spinning and more falsettos. The crowd will go wild; he will continue to be unproblematic on his sold-out world tour. I will be in the front row.

    via GIPHY

    Rihanna will get pregnant again because A$AP Rocky wants to keep her all to himself. We will be promised another album; instead, she will name the baby Rhythm and expect us to get the joke. 

    We will not laugh; we will want another album.

    Drake will drop three albums this year. One of them will be a country album, the other heavily influenced by Caribbean music and the third a combination. He will reference Rihanna in all but two songs. He will continue to remind his opps that he has a jet and pollutes almost as much as Taylor Swift. 

    via GIPHY

    For the election year, Kamala Harris will break out her Converse shoes from the top shelf of her two-story closet so she can be a woman of the people again. Joseph Robinette will do a press tour, stopping at every staple of Blackness he can think of; he will be at Spades tournaments, comedy clubs, hair shows, barber shops, salons, mosques, churches and Church’s Chicken. He will not visit prisons because there are no voters there. Weed will still be illegal federally.

    During the debate for the Republican nomination, Ron DeSantis will take a drink of water and spill it all over himself, short-circuiting his computing system. The truth about him being a cyborg will finally be revealed. Nikki Haley will remind everyone that her white life matters, too!

    Trump will win the nomination from his jail cell.

    Offset will d*ck his way back into Cardi B’s heart via her hot pocket. After three months, he will go back to missing his grandma. The other lady will forget and get on Twitter and laugh so hard that she will make the glass windows in her glass house shake. 

    It will be the hottest year on record, AGAIN, this year. Climate change will make the Hot Girl summer almost unbearable. It will, however, not be as bad as next year will be. 

    A Black person is going to win the gold medal in an Olympic swimming this year, they will be from Montgomery, Alabama. 

    There will also be some bad weather but I am still working on my meteorology degree, so I’m gonna wait on those until next year, but I will say there will be bad weather because climate change is real. 

    via GIPHY

    Here’s to 2024, one fewer year we have left before the world ends.

    Kyla Jenée Lacey is an accomplished third-person bio composer. Her spoken word has garnered tens of millions of views, and has been showcased on Pop Sugar, Write About Now, Buzzfeed, Harper’s Bizarre, Diet Prada, featured on the Tamron Hall show, and Laura Ingraham from Fox News called her work, “Anti-racist propaganda.”. She has performed spoken word at over 300 colleges in over 40 states. Kyla has been a finalist in the largest regional poetry slam in the country, no less than five times, and was nominated as Campus Activities Magazine Female Performer of the Year. Her work has been acknowledged by several Grammy-winning artists. Her poetry has been viewed over 50 million times and even used on protest billboards in multiple countries. She has written for large publications such as The Huffington Post, BET.com, and the Root Magazine and is the author of "Hickory Dickory Dock, I Do Not Want Your C*ck!!!," a book of tongue-in-cheek poems, about patriarchy....for manchildren.

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