This time of year can bring back painful memories for survivors.
For many of us, the holiday season means enjoying cooler weather, cheerful music and delicious food. And as it continues, we are flooded with ads and social media posts that make it look like everyone has a happy home to go back to.
For some, however, this time of year can serve as a reminder that they have never had a safe and healthy family.
Mental health experts indicate that for those who have experienced abuse or trauma at home, the holiday season can intensify emotions such as grief, resentment and sadness. This is because their memories of holidays are often filled with fear, anxiety and conflict. While society enjoys celebrating family traditions, many survivors feel isolated and are experiencing other challenging emotions.
For them, the saying “home for the holidays” means something different. They see other people enjoying normal, happy times with their families, and it seems effortless. But, when they return home, feeling hopeful that this year could be different and their family might have a joyful holiday, they end up facing the same problems as always.
It is common for survivors to feel as if they can’t change their family situations, but medical experts say that it is absolutely possible to have control over what we choose to accept or not; and we can use it to help us get through the holiday season. Here are five strategies to consider.
Set Limits
Boundaries can be different for everyone, but they often involve things like spending less time with family (or certain family members), and avoiding the conversations that upset you (like leaving the room when they make mean remarks about you or others).
By creating these boundaries with family or during social gatherings, you can feel safer during the season. It’s perfectly fine to say no to invitations or leave events early if they become too much for you, or to only attend get-togethers where you feel accepted and appreciated.
Recognize and Validate Your Feelings
It might seem simple and unimportant, but acknowledging your feelings can be extremely helpful and healing. Whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion, let yourself notice and experience your emotions. Ignoring or denying them can make things worse. Also, be careful of euphoric recall, which is when people tend to remember good times more and push away the bad memories and feelings associated with them.
When you go to social events or have responsibilities this time of year, you might feel the need to hide your true feelings and act like everything is okay. This can make you feel more stressed and emotionally drained. You don’t have to let these feelings take over your holiday season – and the next step can help with that too.
Make New Traditions
Instead of trying to recreate a difficult past, think about starting new traditions that reflect what matters to you. You could spend time with friends, help others by volunteering, or take care of yourself. Focus on things that make you feel safe and happy.
Surround Yourself with People Who Make you Feel Valued and Appreciated
Spending the holidays with people who understand and accept you can help you feel less alone. Friends who push you or make you feel guilty about being with family during the holidays may not realize what you’ve been through and they might not be the right support for you. Give yourself the freedom to decide what “home” means to you, which sometimes includes creating your own “chosen family.”
Curb Social Media Use
While you’re making choices about how to cut back on social media, feel free to skip any of those holiday movies that you don’t like as well. Just because others are watching them doesn’t mean you have to.
