When an adult friend comes out to you as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, it’s totally normal to react in different ways. You might be wondering, “How can I support them now that I know?” or feeling overwhelmed and unsure about what to do next.
But when your own young child comes out, the mix of emotions and responses can be incredibly complex.
Children identifying as LGBTQ are becoming more common. New data shows a substantial increase in the number of youth who have come out, particularly among younger generations such as Gen Z (ages 12 to 27). According to a survey by Gallup, 19.7% identify as LGBTQ, with many realizing their same-sex attraction at a young age – a rate much higher than previous generations.
While statistics like these are a positive reflection of a more accepting society, we can’t ignore the fact that our culture still largely reinforces heterosexual stereotypes. Some parents automatically assume their kids are straight and cisgender and will raise them accordingly without thinking twice. It’s as if they wouldn’t even blink if they learned that their young son had a crush on one of his female classmates.
With this in mind, what should you do if your kid comes out to you? How do you support them through these feelings?
Child psychiatrists say there are lots of ways kids might share their sexuality or gender identity with us. They may want to have a heartfelt talk or could decide to send an email. Sometimes, younger kids might innocently mention their gender or a crush without fully understanding what it means. No matter how they choose to let us know, it’s important to recognize that they have likely thought about it a lot, so how we offer our support matters greatly.
Therapists also note that when a child comes out, every family’s experience is unique – but they offer valuable guidance on how to create a safe, supportive and comforting environment for them and their loved ones.
Listen to them; they know themselves best.
Joe Kort, Ph.D., founder and director of the Center for Relationship and Sexual Health (he specializes in childhood sexual abuse), recommends a therapist’s most eminent tip: listen!
Listen closely to your child’s story and truly hear what they’re saying about who they are. Whether it’s a big revelation or just a passing mention, it’s important to respond with respect.
Your child knows themselves, their feelings, and their journey deeply, so try not to brush them off, interrupt, or downplay their experience. Instead, choose words that acknowledge their emotions, and let them know you love and support them unconditionally even if their experience is completely different from yours.
The most meaningful thing you can do is to listen with an open and caring heart.
Feeling unsure about what to say? Start with “I love you and I accept you.”
If your child’s coming out has taken you by surprise or has stirred up uncomfortable and confusing emotions that have left you at a loss for words, it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. It’s a new experience for you both and there’s no pressure to come up with a profound response or a prepared speech, especially if you’re caught off-guard. The best thing you can say is, simply, “I love you, and I accept who you are.”
Every family’s experience is special and there is no universal way to handle a moment as delicate as this, says Errol Lamond Fields, M.D., M.P.H., Ph.D., Director of Pediatric and Adolescent Clinical Services and the Center for Transgender and Gender Expansive Health at Johns Hopkins Medicine.
“Time and time again, we hear the same thing from patients: ‘Once my parents are behind me, I can handle anything else the world throws at me,’” he explains. “You’re their anchor, and your acceptance is key. In fact, research shows that LGBTQ adolescents who are supported by their families grow up to be happier and healthier adults.”
It’s totally okay if you slip up and put your foot in it.
Try not to worry too much if you happen to say the wrong thing. After all, you’re only human and you don’t need to be an expert in all things LGBTQ. The key is to foster an environment of love, understanding and acceptance.
If you do make a mistake, don’t hesitate to apologize, admit your error, and commit to learning from it. By doing so, you can work towards building a stronger connection that will mean everything to your child. However, if you’re given a heads up about your child’s identity before they tell you themselves, it can be helpful to prepare a few key points of what you want to say. Taking the time to prepare can give you confidence and ensure that you are expressing yourself in the most thoughtful and considerate way possible.
Remain vigilant and involved in your child’s school.
Kids spend just as much time in school as they do at home. Fields shares the following tips on how they can feel comfortable in the classroom, too.
- Advocate for a gay-straight alliance (GSA). It has been shown to make schools safer and boost academic performance among LGBTQ students.
- Maintain frequent contact with teachers so you’ll know when issues arise.
- Push for more inclusive sex education. Very few states allow schools to provide LGBTQ students with the information they need to feel safe and be healthy, so remain aware of these knowledge gaps so you can fill them yourself.
- Don’t hesitate to speak up. Parents have a huge voice in the school system. You do have power. If there’s a problem and the school isn’t taking your concerns seriously, then go to the principal or even the school board.
Make sure you keep up with LGBTQIA+ Topics.
This is a great opportunity to broaden your understanding! Discovering and understanding sexuality and gender alongside your child demonstrates your unwavering support for them. Plus, by equipping yourself with knowledge, you can better address any questions they may have while uplifting your own self-assurance.
Additional Resources:
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
