Picture a scenario where your father was emotionally unavailable. If so, he probably didn’t give you many hugs during your childhood and may have dismissed or minimized your feelings. As an adult, you might have come to realize that this has led you to believe your feelings and needs don’t matter. This experience has also influenced how you see yourself and your relationships. You often find yourself seeking approval from others, feeling that you have to earn love and acceptance through your actions. As a result, this has created a pattern where you prioritize the needs of others over your own, often neglecting your emotional well-being.
While this was just an example, most of us carry a younger version of ourselves that didn’t receive the love we needed or longed for. Instead of confronting this pain, we often ignore these wounds and pretend everything is okay.
This is when, according to experts, it might be time to consider “reparenting” ourselves.
At first, it may seem like just a way to indulge yourself or an excuse to get something you wished for as a child. But reparenting is actually a therapeutic method that can help you heal and prevent suffering for both yourself and future generations.
According to Verywell Mind, the technique has been around for several decades, but it has gained popularity recently as more people are interested in therapy that focuses on trauma. Now, it’s featured everywhere, in books, podcasts and on TikTok.
In reparenting, the goal is to help you connect with your hurt “inner child” and show it love, Nicole Johnson, a licensed counselor in Boise, Idaho, and author of a new book on the subject, told The New York Times. She says that by developing new tools and beliefs about how to treat yourself better now, it can lead to a stronger sense of who you are and improve your relationships with others.
Where did the idea of reparenting come from?
Reparenting began in the 1960s when therapist Jacqui Schiff had her schizophrenia patients live with her and exhibit childlike behaviors. She took on a caregiver role, even physically holding them, dressing them in diapers, and feeding them from bottles. Initially, her methods received praise, as she claimed they could “cure” the disorder. But after a patient died in her care, she faced ethical violations and a barrage of criticism for her practices, which were seen as an abuse of power.
In the 1970s, therapist Muriel James redefined reparenting as a self-directed process, encouraging patients to nurture their inner child like a loving parent instead of relying on the therapist. This approach is widely accepted today.
What does the process of reparenting involve?
Some reparenting techniques can be done on your own, but experts highly recommend getting support from a therapist. They warn that it isn’t always an easy process because looking into unfulfilled needs from childhood can bring up intensely overwhelming feelings such as sadness, anger, shame and loneliness.
Some methods may involve therapists encouraging patients to picture themselves as children and think about how that child feels and what comforting words they might need at that time. Patients might also write letters to their younger selves to acknowledge their past pain and learn to be kinder to themselves. If someone finds they are being overly critical or reacting strongly, similar to how a parent might have acted, a therapist can assist them in changing that behavior.
Professionals have also cautioned, however, that while reparenting can be a helpful technique, it is not a complete therapy on its own. It’s also important to keep in mind that it is not a quick fix.
We should not assume that simply “talking to myself in a nicer, more relaxed manner” will fix everything, said Erin Hambrick, a researcher and therapist focused on childhood trauma in Kansas City, Mo.
What are the benefits of reparenting your inner child?
Specialists explain that healing your inner child involves becoming more aware of yourself. This can improve your mental health and how you connect with people in your life, including friends, coworkers, your partner, your children and even your aging parents, if they are part of your life.
“Becoming self-aware can support your understanding of how past trauma affects your current behavior, helping you to develop healthier coping mechanisms,” Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD., a licensed psychologist and wellness expert in Boca Raton, Florida, explained in a recent interview. “Reconnecting with your inner child and facing these problems can be very challenging, but once you overcome this and heal your wounds, you will likely feel a large weight lifted off your chest.”
Rubenstein explains that healing your inner child can also help you reconnect with your dreams, passions and abilities, allowing you to express your natural talents. Additionally, she says that this healing can make you feel safer and more secure, help you manage your emotions better, boost your self-esteem, and increase your compassion for the people around you. This means there will be fewer obstacles between you and your ability to fully love yourself and others.
“We need to accept that our inner child is always part of who we are,” she explains. “Once you’ve come to peace with these wounds and healed your inner child, though, you can remind yourself that you’re in charge, not those previous pains that are lurking and waiting to show themselves when triggered.”
How do you know if you need to reparent your inner child?
Medical professionals say that inner child work isn’t necessary for everyone. But it can help those who show signs that a younger, more vulnerable part of themselves needs care and support.
If you frequently deal with low self-esteem, which might come across as a mean voice in your head, it could mean that your inner child is looking for approval. Other signs include having trouble saying no, finding it hard to share your feelings or needs, or feeling scared of getting too close to others or being abandoned.
Regularly getting in your own way, having difficulty expressing your feelings, and feeling like others don’t understand you could indicate that there are unresolved problems from your childhood. Additionally, if you frequently feel annoyed or upset, or if you often find yourself dwelling on past childhood experiences, these emotional challenges may indicate that your inner child requires attention and compassion.
The Final Takeaway
Reparenting exercises can serve as a gentle yet effective means of finding inner peace. By reconnecting with your inner child, these practices create a nurturing space that allows you to process, manage and heal from past trauma. When you engage in techniques specifically designed by a medical professional to meet your individual needs, you can start to let go of the negative coping mechanisms that may have been holding you back for a long time.
Establishing a safe space within yourself can serve as an excellent starting point for exploring emotions that may have been hidden, leading you toward a place of self-acceptance and personal growth.
