SATIRE — The following is a fictional termination letter. Some of the underlying events are real.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Katie Zacharia has been fired as Donald Trump’s White House secretary after only five days on the job. Apparently, she is being released back into the wild where the English language and complete sentences remain endangered.
Zacharia’s departure is happening on the heels of a disastrous 14-minute press briefing on her first day on the job. The press raised serious questions about her legal credentials and she later admitted that she had not, in fact, passed the bar exam. Sources close to absolutely nobody have provided me with the following exclusive copy of her termination letter from the White House Human Resources Department.
Don’t drink or eat anything while reading, Y’all.
Office of Human Resources and Alternative Facts
October 17, 2026
RE: NOTICE OF TERMINATION OF EMPLOYMENT
Dear Katie Zacharia,
It is with tremendous regret, tremendous disappointment, and tremendous, really tremendous concern for oral communications and the English language, beautiful language, one of the greatest languages, everybody says so, that we inform you your employment as White House Press Secretary has been terminated.
You’re fired! Effective immediately. Very sad. Bigly sad. Nobody has ever seen a termination like this. Many people are saying the English language may never fully heal.
The Trump regime thanks you for your five days of service to our great country. Although your tenure was shorter than one of the president’s bathroom breaks during a cabinet meeting, your contributions will not be forgotten. Neither will the fourteen minutes you spent at the podium committing aggravated assault against the English language, saying the same words over and over again, repeatedly repeating repetitions like a dizzy blonde with only two functioning brain cells while trying to figure out whether you were married to your husband or the president, raising serious concerns about which man you thought you were sleeping with.
Several very serious concerns were raised about your performance over the past five days, including:
- During your first and only press briefing, you demonstrated an inability to answer questions without creating additional questions for the liberal media and our own beloved right-wing propaganda machine.
- Your vocabulary was so limited that it sounded like it was assembled from leftover refrigerator magnets.
- The president expressed concern that you kept using “tremendous,” “amazing,” and “incredible” as nouns, verbs, adjectives. Mr. Trump, who is possessive about his adjectives, wondered if you knew any other bigly words.
- Because you lied about passing the bar exam and claimed you got your law license in China, President Xi Jinping imposed a 200% tariff on the Trump administration’s stupidity.
- When you spoke, you sounded like you were chewing a mouthful of Scrabble tiles and made Karoline Leavitt sound like she was a Rhodes Scholar.
Katie, we want to emphasize that failing the bar exam was not the thing that automatically disqualified you from employment. As you know, the Trump administration has a proud tradition of hiring unqualified mediocre white people who have failed at so many things while screaming DEI at overqualified Black folks who expose the lies of white superiority. Look Katie, our beloved MAGA-in-Chief has failed at so many things. He’s failed at casinos, paying contractors, selling steaks. He’s failed at multiple marriages, accepting election results, and he even failed at convincing a jury that he’s not a sexual deviant.
But Katie, even this corrupt White House has standards and limits to how much boolshit one person can put on a résumé. And while this white supremacist authoritarian regime has always valued loyalty over literacy, your performance exceeded even our most ambitious incompetence projections.
Your separation agreement requires you to immediately surrender your White House identification badge, office keys, government-issued laptop, briefing notes, and your copy of the official White House thesaurus. Please collect your emergency supply of the words “tremendous,” “amazing,” “incredible” and all other decorative synonyms, along with your imaginary law license from the University of Beijing, Temu Campus. In addition to your first and final paycheck, which will be sent via direct deposit, you may retain your collection of Trump merch, your lifetime subscription to Hooked on Phonics, and all that confidence in qualifications you do not possess.
Katie, President Trump wants you to know that this decision is not personal and he remains deeply grateful for your willingness to lie on his behalf. Unfortunately, he needs someone who can do so in complete sentences.
We wish you tremendous, amazing, bigly success in your future endeavors. The greatest success anybody’s ever seen. Many people are saying it. The smartest people. Very tremendous people, Katie.
Sincerely,
White House Human Resources
Department of Whiteness, Entitlement & Incompetence (WEI)
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