Hungry, Why Wait… For Sex?

Yesterday on Xitter, a man bemoaned liking a woman but being disappointed that she “let him smash,” on the first night. Question: if a man views a woman as sullied the moment HE touches her, would that not make HIM the dirty one? Men who think like this do not like women, they like to control women. They want women to operate by certain rules by which they think they are too good to abide. Somehow having sex on the first night makes a woman a hoe but not the man who initiated it. While no one actually knows the correct amount of time to wait unless, of course, you are waiting until marriage, according to Steve Harvey, it is 90 days, and he’s been married three times, so he should definitely know.

It is important to note that this puritanical thinking is tightly woven into rape culture. The idea that a woman must be convinced to like you or have sex with you, no matter how much her initial resistance, is nothing but a desire to exert control. Women are not harassed by strangers trying to have sex them because those men think that women are smart enough to know what they do and do not want, they are harassed by men who think those women need to be convinced because they do not know better. Why should anyone have to be convinced to like you? Do you not have redeeming qualities that are apparent out of the gate? There are only two times when men posit that a woman is in control, one is whom she attracts, and the other is how quickly she has sex.

Now how in the entire hell is a woman responsible for who finds her attractive? And if men really believed the second reason, then rape culture would not be so insidious and pervasive. But men are the logical sex, amirite?!?!?!

Speaking of logic, to conceive that women have sex too soon, but men do not would mean that the only logical solution to solve this problem would be that women stop having sex with men and allow men to sort that out amongst themselves. What the coochie commandants also fail to realize is that not only is there no magic number, but there is also no way to know if she is telling the truth. This is not a condemnation of waiting or taking one’s time, in fact, I encourage it. However, I encourage what makes people feel most comfortable because the same men who preach purity politics are the same men ignoring women’s comfort level and then looking down on them for any decision they make based on that comfort.

Case in point: IF MEN REALLY GAVE A F*CK ABOUT WOMEN WANTING TO WAIT, THEN WHY IS RAPE SO PREVALENT AND WHY ARE RAPE VICTIMS TREATED WITH SUCH DISRESPECT, AND IN FACT, EVEN MORE THAN SOMEONE WHO ‘GAVE IT UP TOO SOON’?!?!?!

This paradigm of virgin and vixen does not lend itself to men thinking that women are actualized people but something to be conquered. They do not view women as equals or people who have the right to independently explore desires and learn through experiences that do not directly involve them, but she must still be fully aware of how to please a man upon his long-awaited arrival in her life. A woman should have sexual experience, but not too much, she should know what she is doing, but how the hell does she know how to do that?  

This thinking is based on an unhealthy amount of conjecture and insecurity. “If she’s having sex with me on the first night, then that means she is having sex with everyone on the first night,” orrrrrrrrrrrrrr she could really like you and find you amazing and want to confirm that with her loins *laughs*. But maybe that’s the problem, y’all are not the ‘him’ you think you are. You do not value yourselves enough so you are shocked that someone wants to bed YOU, which devolves into a full showcase of your insecurities about your mediocrity. Maybe it’s confirmation bias; you do not feel special because you know that you are not special. If anything, you should be glad that someone would have sex with you early on because the likelihood that getting to know you long-term is not feasible due to your less-than-desirable personality. 

The best part about engaging in this type of purity culture for men is that they do not have to have any standards for themselves in order to participate. A man will have six kids and eight baby mamas and then have the nerve to complain about how quickly a woman has sex (waves at Young Durk) or how many ‘bodies’ she has. Men do not have to have any standards to have all the standards in the world. They can live in their mother’s basement and type out misogyny using her wifi for all the world to see.

The worst part is that men will use this as some sort of test of her moral character while completely ignoring the fact that not only are they being hypocritical, but they are also using people for their own pleasure, knowing that they will discard them later. Tricking someone by giving them a test to fail or pass, where you benefit no matter what makes you the real loser. If your concern is getting to know someone organically, then giving them arbitrary tests based on YOUR desirability is probably not the way. Everyone has sexual desire; it is not a personality trait. Ask yourself, what is worse to do on a first date: have sex with someone whose company you enjoy or give someone that you like a test where you are failing by your own standards? 

There have been men that I made wait a long time before I had sex with them, and it still turned out to be absolute sh*t. There have been men that I had sex with the first night who are the subjects of my most beautiful love stories. Hell, you can make a man wait months and he can still stop speaking to you right after sex. There is no winning formula. Additionally, there is no guarantee that a relationship built on chasteness will have more longevity or happiness, in fact, I would argue that a relationship without a healthy amount of sex, initiated by both parties, is more likely to fail. This is not an indictment on discernment and patience, not at all, but an indictment on men demanding the same criteria that they fail to have. To initiate sex with someone and then be upset that they accept is indicative of rape culture and that women’s sexual desire is under strict lock and key and can only be released by a coordinated effort of coercion and/or your bursting at the seams. Purity culture and patriarchy allow the tossing out of rules that are too restrictive for men, while those controlling women remain, even when the same actions are exhibited. Men who engage in this thinking have no problem with pre-marital sex. Still, they all become religious consultants when they are given the exact thing they ask for.

Men: here is a tip, if you like someone and do not want to have sex with them, don’t initiate it. Write this advice down if necessary, fold it up and put it in your pocket so that you’ll have two tips tucked firmly in your pants—until you are sure what to do with them.