2023, Wrap That Shiiiiit Up

Kyla Jenée Lacey’s End-of-Year Wrap-Up

January started off with a bang from a cop, and not in the way we normally hear about. Female officer Maegan Hall of La Vergne, Tennessee police, was fired after an internal investigation found that she engaged in sexual relationships with at least six of her coworkers. 

Maegan later filed a lawsuit claiming sexual harassment and that the all-male work environment (except her) led to an environment of exploitation and sexual pressure.

Chrisean Rock Malone also revealed her pregnancy by Blueface, and the world has not known peace since.

February was a super cold month because that is when I found out that my baby mama, Robyn Rihanna Fenty, had broken our covenant once again, and now I’m going to be a stepmom to another child. While giving us a red-hot Super Bowl performance, she also brought a special guest on stage with her, who did nothing but move along with her and be cute. The world’s most famous bad gal was sporting a belly full of boy or gal at her Halftime performance. It has not been completely confirmed because there have been more conflicting reports than there have been pictures, but Riot Rose is probably a gal.

Also, people broke out in those big red anime shoes. 

March was all arms when in an LA Fitness when Rainbow Brite rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine was beaten up in an LA Fitness bathroom, and Ja Morant flexed his right to bear him on Instagram. He was suspended for four games. Teriyaki was jumped by three men at the gym who filmed the beating, so of course, they were arrested.

In April, No. 3 ranked LSU Tigers defeated No. 2 Iowa Hawkeyes in an upset that should not have caused as much controversy, but it did.

After the mostly Black Tigers embarrassed the mostly White Gamecocks with a final score of 102 to 85, in an unprecedented move, Dr. Jill Biden decided to invite both the winners and the losers of that game to the White House—aww, isn’t that nice. Additionally, there had already been tension brewing on the courts with a rivalry between Iowa’s star player, Caitlyn Clark, and LSU’s star player, Angel Reese. After winning the game, Reese waved her hand in her face and pointed to her ring finger, taunting Clark about the loss and the new jewelry she would be sporting. Of course, a firestorm was set off on Twitter about the gesture, with many accusing Reese of being unprofessional.

Meanwhile, when Caitlyn Clark did it to a player in a previous game, it was applauded, including by the originator of the mannerism, John Cena, who used it as a way to tell his opponents, “you can’t see me.”

May was the month for a super-secret altercation between Usher and Chris Brown while the former attempted to defend Teyana Taylor from Chris Brown’s wrath. Not much is known about the altercation, and the three never spoke on it publicly. The only way we know about it was the grainy video footage of it taken at the skating rink. Of course, those three would be at a skating rink.

Ja Morant brandished a gun, AGAIN, on Instagram Live and was suspended from the Grizzlies until Dec. 19.

June saw a deep dive of more than just stocks for some insanely rich bastards who may have thought that being able to defy tax laws means that you are able to defy the laws of physics; news flash, it does not. After paying a whopping $250 million apiece to dive to the depths of the ocean in a glorified tin can manned by an actual off-market game console just to view some wreckage of the Titanic when the James Cameron classic is right there on demand. Five people perished that day, including the owner of the submersible and a 19-year-old who was the actual real victim in this story because he was just trying to impress his dad. 

The submersible essentially imploded and the passengers became just like the wreckage they sought out. 

July was a month of independence for Keke Palmer, whose baby daddy a one, cause God please don’t make two, Darius Jackson, brother of almost famous Sarunas Jackson from the show Insecure.  Anywho, Keke went to Vegas in a onesie with mesh covering her legs to see Usher’s residency. Usher serenaded Keke, as he does to a woman every night at his show and Darius lost all of his ability to can. Instead of having a personal conversation about boundaries and what makes him uncomfortable—like a big boy would—he went on an internet tirade about the mother of his child enjoying a show that was for entertainment. The importance was that she was a mother because once you give birth, you stop having fun.

Later on, we find out that not only is he insecure—ha—just like his brother, I guess, but he is also abusive—so there’s that.

Speaking of independence, an Alabama woman, Carlee Russell, lost hers after creating an elaborate hoax about being kidnapped after rescuing a toddler who was on the street alone. Apparently, she did it to get back her ex-boyfriend, who later became an Instagram baddie, after she went to jail. Gone Girl. 

August… Montgomery, Alabama, was the scene of one of the most iconic moments of 2023.  A pontoon dinner boat was attempting to dock when the operator of a speed boat, which was occupying the same dock, decided not to move his boat out of the way, preventing hundreds of people from safely leaving the boat.

Entitlement gone feel entitled.

Subsequently, the captain of the boat made it down to the dock in a little dingy and asked them to leave. Not only did they refuse—AGAIN—but the white owner of the speed boat charged at the Black captain. Apparently, eating a knuckle sandwich tastes a lot like biting off more than you can chew because the entitled beer-pong-winning, farmer-tan sporting speedboat owner and his fellow passengers got molly whopped all up and down that dock in a battle that reviled the division of The Civil War. One young boat seamen dived off the boat and swam several yards to help in the melee, while many onlookers also jumped in. A white folding chair became the hit of the show, literally, and the rest is history richer than the soil at the basin of the Mississippi Delta.

Let’s not forget that this was also the month that Tory Lanez went to jail after a long-awaited verdict in his trial for shooting rapper Megan Thee Stallion.

August also was the month we learned about a random man in Atlanta being a sh-tty dad to multiple children by the multiple women whom he impregnated, some at the same damn time. 

September found professional mean girl Erica Mena with few fewer checks than her mouth could cash. After calling fellow Love & Hip Hop Castmate Spice, a Black woman, a “monkey,” after a heated argument, she was fired from her longstanding residency as a part of the show. What is important to note is that she was not fired until after a social media firestorm about the particular episode. Erica has been romantically linked to entertainer Bow Wow and her ex-husband, Safaree Samuels, which proves just because you can fit a Black d-ck in your stomach doesn’t mean you can stomach Black people. Sigh. 

October saw famed foodie and professional human being Keith Lee come to the city of Hookah, Lemon Pepper wet and terrible customer service, Atlanta. 

A city known for being an eternal vibe and the mecca for rich and Black, outside of Maryland, Atlanta’s food should be top-tier. AHHHTTTT wrong answer, soft life is not for the A shawty, this is the land of Hennessey pancakes and trap breakfast. Keith found some amazing food spots, but some of the big food places, like The Real Milk & Honey and Kandi Burruss’ Old Lady Gang, had more than their fair share of customer service issues and while Kandi is still rich as hell, The Real Milk & Honey suffered financially.

Maybe if yall stop charging for ice and stop deep frying everything we could win! Drake had a mantrum in Joe Budden’s comments about what Joe’s reaction to his new album, Drake had to remind everyone that he was rich and drove a big plane like a giant air polluter. 

November saw the end of an error…

Casandra “Cassie” Ventura sued longtime ex-partner and boss Sean “Puff Daddy,” “P. Diddy,” “He DiDDit” Combs and co. for sexual harassment, exploitation and assault.  Before the sunset on the following day, the suit was already settled and Combs and his businesses paid Ms. Ventura an undisclosed amount of money for the years of torment which she endured. In her suit, Ms. Ventura alleges that Diddy got her addicted to drugs and forced her to have sex with male prostitutes, all while sporting white nail polish in order to provide contrast to her hands on their skin. She also alleges that he filmed the encounters and used them as leverage to keep her subservient to him, also while physically abusing her.

Subsequently, the previous whispers of Diddy’s maleficence have become much louder and he has been sued by another woman who claims she was sexually assaulted by the mogul at the age of 17. His relationships with Justin Bieber and Usher, the latter his younger protégé, have come into question since the news of Cassie’s torture came to light. 

December is the birth month of Jesus, allegedly, and just like clockwork, there were some Christians whose purity was not as pure as the whiteness of the celebration of our blond, blue-eyed Middle Eastern savior. Christian Ziegler, the now former Florida GOP chairman and his wife Bridget Ziegler, one of the founding members of the illiteracy cult “Moms For Liberty,” found themselves in a bit of a scandal after reports of their sexual relationship with another woman becoming violent. A woman claims to have been initially consenually sexually involved in the couple but was really on it for Bridget, when Bridget was unable to attend one of their trysts, the woman called it off, but the good Christian did not care about consent and went by her home anyway, where he reportedly raped her.

Oh, Bridget is a homophobe, by the way. 

See y’all next year. Don’t drink the Kool-Aid, but sip a little champagne if you must.